[FAT] kills.

i have no time whatsoever for frivolity. page me not.



















yesterday was a certain person's birthday. i did not forget. i just chose to ignore it. did not possibly have the time to address it.

im busy you know!


& the space between gets wider.

sliding back in time...

i dont want to go back.


dont make me.



http://dearana.blogspot.com

was being single so bad?

i don't remember. help.

some things change...

and some things stay the same.

im back & yes - things have changed.
but this time im still the same.
(i don't know if that's good or bad)

redbull.vodka.vodka.redbull.

... either way : LET'S F*CKING PARTY!

xo.

tears

i haven't cried in sobriety in a really long time.
i cry often, these days.
but just now, sober, it hurts so much more.

about a girl

"well i dont know... i guess she wasn't getting the attention she wanted - and we know what happens then..."
-zds

love stains.

& red wine stains.

today i woke up - in someone else's bed. floated to the mirror. i tried to scrub my lips.
already swollen, what I thought was blood was really red wine.

chills. chilled.

my lips are stained & i cannot get it off.
my clothes are stained & i cannot get it off.

my mind is stained. my heart is stained.
i cannot get it off.



& plato lies to me again...





"Nothing more excellent or valuable than wine
was ever granted by the Gods to man."
Plato

photography, my ♥

photo cred: david waldman
some photographers are just so f*king brilliant. as far as art goes, to me anyways, what sets them apart is their ability to capture moments in the way they personally have interpreted the situation. & when they truely get someone & see something for what it is, thats crazy to me.


"how do people expect me to act normal - my whole life is completely surreal... ALL the time."
-moi

You Slut.

I searched.
high& low... trying to find a picture that would sum this writing up. ... to make it more appealing to others i guess... so they could relate to my pain instead of skipping over??
i tell you that i get your need to do it. do them . allllll of them. & it doesnt other me . atall. until i get hom ewith my thoughts. (& my secret final glass of wine behind my roommates backs) "whats wrong with double-fisting?"
fisting.
you can get someone. you can understand.
but why does that understanding not come with release?? why is there still pain if there is release???
tell me.
you seem to know all.
youre simple.
if you werent we wouldnt be here.
you cant guide me.
thats why we're not we.




ps. i think sometimes my biggest fear is you reading this...
but its fucked in the sense that i know you already do. [& you're still here]

thats why i love you.

maybe i will add a picture. heartburn.



all i wanted was to get home sunday.
http://myspace.com/getpedestrian
- grasstains.

Lovers ... Friends

[you should] feel what i feel

i know you do. & thats why im glad we're here right now. we're glad.
me = you

[my childhood] : [my life]

"You have to suffer to be beautiful. Obviously."
-Hellen James
(1916-2004)


*happy birthday Nanny. i love you. always. forever. eternal.

Underneath it All...

All i wanted was a simple thing
a simple kind of life...


The band No Doubt (ie. Not Gwen Stefani solo) resonates with me, or more so the person I was 5 years ago - & possibly still am. It makes me think back ... we've done this before [see: blog entitled 'simple kind of life']... what if things had been different. What if I made different choices. Bought rings, made promises in front of the bible, etc. etc.

if we met tomorrow for the very first time
would it start all over again would i try to make you mine?
I love my life. But there are certain things & certain people from long ago that I miss as well.

i always thought id be mom
sometimes i wish for a mistake
the longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
you seem like youd be a good dad
These people, these places - will never come back. but I will also never forget them or the option I once had, the option many of us have had & turned down. I guess thats why we've all ended up here.
HERE.

now all the simple things are simply too complicated for my life
now i guess im faithful to my freedom...
a selfish kind of life.



stuck? un-stuck?

...

computer? negative. fone? negative. sanity? negative.

im going on a little trip. detox. de-stress. & remove myself from debauche.
Ive busted my ass, kissed ass & fallen on my ass for the last 8 weeks & need a bit of time off now. In order to survive, im going to have to make a couple changes... its for the better! Ive been a little girl lost all summer, but now Im happy, recouping & set to focus on things... like red ballons & the return of the Mau.

Until next time kiddies!

xo
au.

ps. theres mice in my house... i think i have to move.

Be Me in 5 Easy Steps!

(the fabulous life of aurora james)
1. Acquire the most ridiculously awesome life ever.
2. Fall in l♥ve with trash but KEEP SMILING!
3. Let it eat you up inside while filling your insides with toxins.
4. Play 'Blur- Coffee & TV' on repeat.
5. BURN OUT

Love & Drugs

give
me
more
of
one
to
numb
the
other.








calm the fuck down.
im just being dramatic.

♥: creative snob?

[In•de•pen•dent: (adj.) Not having sold one's life, career, and creative works over to a corporation.]

short&sweet.

Turning Frowns Upside-down :)

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH



its actually INSANE to me how i can go from being soooo sad in the morning & soooo happy only hours later. thats FUCKED.
i bet i must be the worst girlfriend EVER.

awesome! i couldnt care less!!

i guess i am crazy... DOPE! what an awesome cop-out!

curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile i was a suspect.

Dissolution & Disaster (the best art installation to date?)

Does there have to be this?
Does there have to be complete turmoil in order to create?
Can art not come from simple understanding... and can we not understand without experience? I mean I'm really not sure.
Is this a product of Generation MTV? Why are we always searching, searching, searching... just to feel? Feelings should be innate to all of us, why is it so hard to conjur and act on. What is appropriate?! Suppression? Regression? Disney movies and pearls?

On one hand soo many of us spend so much time just trying to incite some sort of spark inside of us. We fall in lust in the blink of an eye. We get irrate during everyday activities in everyday scenarios... Some times we take drugs just to help get a feeling, something, anything.

But then something happens one day. A sudden rush. You open up and you let something in and it affects you. You get sad, really sad. Au Revoire Simone on repeat because it resonates with your "soul." Not an entire bottle of quaaludes can numb this feeling. But you try. Anything to take the pain away... alcohol, alcohol, drugs, sex, parties, tears, trouble. But isn't this what you were yearning for?? Isn't there a part of you that wanted this? Isn't there something in you that would die without it?

I am a product of my generation & i want the pain to go away.


"During the 1960s, I think, people forgot what emotions were supposed to be... and I don't think they've ever remembered."
-Andy Warhol (1928-1987)