jaded

"you've got your mama's style but your yesterdays child to me.
you think that's where its at - but is that where it supposed to be?
... you're so jaded. but i'm the one that jaded you."

-steven tyler

♥ x infinity

there is so much love to be had in the world.
you just have to look for it.

(♥)

my friend just told me she's falling

& for the first time in 4 days...
i really truely smiled.



"but i get butterflies which is really incredible... cause i thought all my butterflies were dead and lying in a pile somewhere"


♥
a.

goodbye :: ♥ :: hello

its
what:
you lose

along the way

to
lose

yourself.

[my childhood] : [my life]

"You have to suffer to be beautiful. Obviously."
-Hellen James
(1916-2004)


*happy birthday Nanny. i love you. always. forever. eternal.

Underneath it All...

All i wanted was a simple thing
a simple kind of life...


The band No Doubt (ie. Not Gwen Stefani solo) resonates with me, or more so the person I was 5 years ago - & possibly still am. It makes me think back ... we've done this before [see: blog entitled 'simple kind of life']... what if things had been different. What if I made different choices. Bought rings, made promises in front of the bible, etc. etc.

if we met tomorrow for the very first time
would it start all over again would i try to make you mine?
I love my life. But there are certain things & certain people from long ago that I miss as well.

i always thought id be mom
sometimes i wish for a mistake
the longer that i wait the more selfish that i get
you seem like youd be a good dad
These people, these places - will never come back. but I will also never forget them or the option I once had, the option many of us have had & turned down. I guess thats why we've all ended up here.
HERE.

now all the simple things are simply too complicated for my life
now i guess im faithful to my freedom...
a selfish kind of life.



stuck? un-stuck?

...

words of encouragement...

"Hmm.... 'Young, Broke & Screwed Pretty'... odd. Well, I guess that's cute... unless you become Old, Bankrupt & HIV Positive." -The Mother

elite family critique

Because im THAT awesome, I just decided to do a search on my dad's last name on facebook in a super feeble attempt to locate some of my Toronto based cousins. all of whom i've never met. (& dont have much desire too)
the humour in this is the following:

though there were over 60 black females with that last name that appeared from my search, after spending 40 minutes looking through all of them...
i opted to only msg one.
why?

well, other than that one girl (an Elite model)... it just didnt seem plausible that any of these spokespeople of mediocracy could POSSIBLY be related to me.



*yes, im that conceited

As many of you may know...

Im black.
Well, not entirely but significantly. So i think it's fair, specifically for the purpose of this article, that i label myself as such exclusively.

now, at no point had i intended to be serious on this blog. so i wasnt going to post the following... but then i realised, its actually not serious at all... more senile than serious id say.

the following is an excerpt from a very recent conversation i had with a family member, who will remain nameless (until she starts bitching at me via the comments section and totally rats herself out. Way to go chelsea 'Nameless Family Member'):


April 28th 2007 @ 7:48pm...

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: i dont like la

a.: meh, i had fun while i was there

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: didnt u say u were stopping into vancouver on ur way home?

a.: that was this summer. because i was planning on moving to la for the summer then stopping in vancity mid august i might go there sometime this summer though anyways

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: ahh... yeah im a burnout i only remember parts of conversations....

a.: thats ok!

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: umm... maybe this fall billy and i will come visit
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: he likes to travel

a.: thats cool, i'll be around. i think keith is still here too

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: nope keith came home a couple of weeks ago... and i think hes going back to asia to hang out with the chinks

a.: oh did he?
ps. i cant believe you just used the term 'chinks'

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: i dont like asians
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: racist i guess

a.: um, what is this the 1950s?
a.: are you homophobic as well?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: nope, just really dont like asians
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: everyone else is cool i guess
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: i dont know why either... for some reason, well... i mean they are ugly...

a.: are you joking or being serious?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: im serious
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: lol

a.: wow, i might puke.

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: i mean if u were introduce me to an asian friend that would be alright i guess and i would have asian friends i guess, but as a whole, not a fan
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: aww common atleast im honest lol

a.: honest? ignorant... yes.
sorry man but like thats not kosher. you havent met every asian. being judgemental like that is sooo tacky and retro

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: its true...

a.: my roommate is asian and happens to be one of my best friends

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: but i would have asian friends

a.: until youve met every asian saying something like that is sooo lame though

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: im just not a fan of the race, each individual person may be right cool....
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: i remember u saying once that u didnt like umm...
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: not black ppl, but the REALLY black ppl
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: theres a name that u used i done remember tho

a.: perhaps i said i dont like people who are ghetto? or ignorant? is that what i said?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: both, its all good though
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: at im accepting of my faults

a.: umm... its likely i said that. i still dont like ignorant or ghetto people... black white or asian

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: but ur my cousin u have to love me either way

a.: umm... i do?

10 minutes later...

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: i just think they are ugly... i mean yes there are pretty ones i guess, but i dont find them an attractive race at all. yuck.

a.: i just wrote an exam on media&images of inequality as well as racial stereotypes and beauty ideologies. i dont think im the right person to talk to
a.: but whatever, we're all entitled to our own opinions...

wait, it gets better...



NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: ok lol... anyways... u still smoking weed?

a.: no, i stopped smoking weed when i was like 17... you know that woman

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: ... again... burnt out
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: do anything else/
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: other than  drink obviously lol

a.: drugs? no. 

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: why not./

a.: im not into drugs

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: coke's good in TO.. much better than here

a.: i would imagine

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: if we came up ud have to hook us up with some. I can only do it on special occasions. Ive been cut off lol

a.: well, im not in to condoning cocaine.

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: ok well we'll worry about that then, ive just heard great things about the chawtch in  TO... were u ever into drugs at all?

a.: not really. i party almost every night. if i did drugs, id be dead. 
a.: a lot of people do weird drugs sbut its secretive because its kind of tacky
a.: ive been sitting with a friend at lunch and her nose started bleeding. thats sick.
a.: its likke if you do it, you do it ALL the time and hide it and then you end up at Promises with Britney Spears and are ostracized when you come back


NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: yeah i dont like to hide anything... but yeah ive never once got a nose bleed
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: so ur pretty straight edge, Im proud, good little role model lol

a.: i dont think straight edge would be the right impression to leave you with, if we're aiming for honesty here. but dirty street drugs are not my thing these days, no.
a.: do people do a lot of crack in NB?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: well yes and no, Id say coke is the big one right now, but obviously with coke comes crack.
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: they are definetly my thing lol

a.: like how often? once a day?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: depends on the drugs of choice
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: weed, everyday
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: umm... special k probably 4 times a month...
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: ummm last 3 days tho i been on the jib straight. right now too

a.: k? thats a horse tranquilizer. brutal.
a.: what is jib?
a.: why dont you take pills? they are at least mildly cleaner.


NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: k is cat tranquiler actually and were hooked up thru a vet so its cool...
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: jib would be crystal meth

a.: is this normal there?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: and i take pills, normally snort them but i hav such a high tolerance for drugs that i cant ever get high off pills

a.: but is this common? 

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: normal for some, abstract for others i suppose
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: like all the drugs?
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: not as common as there

a.: the type of drugs
a.: those drugs are only common here amongst the homeless.

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: yeah
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: for sure, thats the stuff thats accessible
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: really... i rarely see pills, when i see them, i take them and i feel nothing...  what would u do like e?

a.: god no
a.: again DIRTY drug

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: yeah I have a pill bottles full of varieties of anti depressants.
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: lots of selection lol
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: amitryptaline, celexa, prozac, celebrexen, adavan, valiums
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: its great being crazy :D

a.: do you work?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: yeah I work for the m******t, its a call center and i book reservations

a.: have you finished school yet?

NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: no i havnt been in school since jan of 06 i think
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: or 05
NAMELESS FAMILY MEMBER: either way i went for a year and a half



yeah... and IM the black sheep??!?

Anyways, my 'Nameless Family Member' is clearly insane. CLEARLY.
like whats wrong with people??

Anyways, the fact that I just aired this persons dirty laundry on the good old www probably isnt going to go over well in my family... so this may get removed mighty quickly. My family can be quite forceful. Or I mean hey, we have to be realistic in saying I may have to remove it so I can deny doing it in the first place if the police arrest her. wouldnt that be fun? oops.

SO, with no time to waste & in a much deserved hommage to Asians and meth, i present you with the perfect amalgamation of the two in the wonderful... Bai-Ling. as well as a few other of my fave Asians who clearly prove my cousin is an idiot.
... and a crack head.


sora, just sora. very much like madonna is just madonna.
and im not talking about the slut madonna, im talking about the reaallllyy famous one. the virgin one.
soras awesome in that way.


devon aoki (is clearly hideous)


dj steve aoki kid millionaire


Mademoiselle Bai-Ling

Anyways, enough of this talk of racism & drugs. Today is supposed to be a celebration of Paris going to jail and i mean nothing, NOTHING should be getting in the way of that pah-tay.

xo
♥a.